Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Revitalization

Revitalization: to imbue (something) with new life and vitality

Progress. Slow and steady progress.

I have contacted some very wonderful friends of mine that are also colleagues. Despite some of my anxiety around doing so, it actually made me feel more supported and more self confident than I have been able to feel in a long time. A couple of these friends contacted me some time ago and I ignored their calls or promised to call when I felt ready. I didn't necessarily feel totally ready, but who really is totally ready? After a recent friend/colleague reached out, I silenced the call and then phoned my lovely partner and I asked her, essentially, for a pep talk. I might not have used those words, but I think I actually knew, deep down, that I was ready to talk to them. I just needed to be given the final nudge.

Then, this brings up a sticking point. Does this make me dependent on others to feel fulfilled? Do I need the affirmation of others in order to gain (re-gain) my own self respect? I know that I need outside affirmation. (Isn't that, in a way, why Facebook exists?) Am I just making my way, slowly but surely, in a way that requires me to ask for what I need right now? My situation in Iowa was one that left me feeling like I had nothing. I was injured, A of all, and then, B of all, I got fired without discussion of any kind. And I was made to feel like I was in the wrong. I felt so helpless...

I'm beginning to think that moving on from helplessness is something like extricating yourself from sweaty clothes after an 8 mile bike ride in 90 degree Chicago heat with 75% humidity. (Yes, I did this recently.) The clothes are no longer providing a service that is complimentary to your figure, they stink, and they refuse to slide easily off your body; they insist on being carefully peeled off in layers. I'm only on the outer layer, but I know that I'm making progress.

I've even made a playlist on Spotify--which you should join if you haven't already because it's awesome--called Revitalization. Sometimes, I guess every person does need their own theme music.

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