Thursday, July 25, 2013

Random Thoughts of the Day

A few things:

1. I had the most lovely morning reading my book (The Golem and the Jinni) on the beach with my coffee (cream and cardamom, thanks).

2. I sent in an application (well, my "baking resume" and cover letter) for a gluten-free bakery called Defloured. (!!!!!!)

3. I am finally in the process of getting my PT license in Illinois.

4. Did I mention I set a COMPLETELY arbitrary goal of having a job by the time my toilet paper runs out? Well, I set it when I moved in with 6 rolls. Now I have approximately 2.75. Fingers crossed that my goal is met, please.

5. I get to have a lovely cheese tasting evening chez moi avec Mon Coeur because I was given some awesome Wisconsin cheese by a recent passer by through Chicago! Thank you!


It really is the small things in life, eh?

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Revitalization

Revitalization: to imbue (something) with new life and vitality

Progress. Slow and steady progress.

I have contacted some very wonderful friends of mine that are also colleagues. Despite some of my anxiety around doing so, it actually made me feel more supported and more self confident than I have been able to feel in a long time. A couple of these friends contacted me some time ago and I ignored their calls or promised to call when I felt ready. I didn't necessarily feel totally ready, but who really is totally ready? After a recent friend/colleague reached out, I silenced the call and then phoned my lovely partner and I asked her, essentially, for a pep talk. I might not have used those words, but I think I actually knew, deep down, that I was ready to talk to them. I just needed to be given the final nudge.

Then, this brings up a sticking point. Does this make me dependent on others to feel fulfilled? Do I need the affirmation of others in order to gain (re-gain) my own self respect? I know that I need outside affirmation. (Isn't that, in a way, why Facebook exists?) Am I just making my way, slowly but surely, in a way that requires me to ask for what I need right now? My situation in Iowa was one that left me feeling like I had nothing. I was injured, A of all, and then, B of all, I got fired without discussion of any kind. And I was made to feel like I was in the wrong. I felt so helpless...

I'm beginning to think that moving on from helplessness is something like extricating yourself from sweaty clothes after an 8 mile bike ride in 90 degree Chicago heat with 75% humidity. (Yes, I did this recently.) The clothes are no longer providing a service that is complimentary to your figure, they stink, and they refuse to slide easily off your body; they insist on being carefully peeled off in layers. I'm only on the outer layer, but I know that I'm making progress.

I've even made a playlist on Spotify--which you should join if you haven't already because it's awesome--called Revitalization. Sometimes, I guess every person does need their own theme music.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Into The Woods

Despite the fact that some days are great, some days are not so great. Monday, I experienced a BURST of productivity. I revamped my LinkedIn account. I organized my baking résumé. I reorganized my PT CV. Then, on Tuesday, I realized, I like taking photographs--art?! And I have this account through søciety6, which is an awesome website where artists are able to post their art, and the company, søciety6, produces and ships the art to the buyer. It's lovely. So I added a considerable amount of photographs. THEN, I socially networked myself to connect myself to myself in all of my myriad of online identities. Whew, that was weird. And exhausting.


BUT...

Despite the productivity and what I see as progress--since facing my or résumé has not been something I could do--I have not recovered. I am not yet "out of The Woods."

After my last blog post, there was an out-pouring of support. That last blog post was after about a week where I finally felt like I recognized myself. Have you ever had a time where you don't know what happened? I think It Happened for about a month for me, and I think that's relatively short. I looked It up. I meet/met most of the criteria for Major Depressive Disorder according to the DSM IV. Whoops, cat's out of the bag now. I thought I had said it before, but now, I've truly said it.

Still, I feel I've made progress. Besides, my therapist suggested I write, so I wrote, and it felt so good. I wanted to reconnect.

--Did you know that when you are depressed, reconnecting sounds like someone asking you to climb Everest in flip flops? Well, it did to me. So when I wrote that blog post and I had so much support--it was only then that I realized how dark of a place I had been in. I had shut out just about everyone (except for a select few), and I was in a place where I couldn't even receive positive feedback about myself--I couldn't hear something that sounded so very foreign. I couldn't hear about someone believing in me, because I couldn't believe in myself.

There was no insight even, until recently--until that week before the post. Then I posted. Then there was The Outpouring. And I loved every email, every Facebook message, every text. Then I tried to process it with My Partner. And I couldn't. It was too much.

The other thing when you are depressed is that EVERYTHING feels overwhelming. I mean, doing the dishes is nap-worthy.

And so, we had a glass of wine, and we tried to have dinner--we managed to have dinner. Then we were discussing and I was processing and then I was crying and I couldn't stop. I was so embarrassed, I left her my credit card, and I ran out of the restaurant and I walked home tears flowing for the entire mile-long walk. And it didn't feel good. I got home and I felt hopeless. I sobbed. My Partner called, we tried to talk on the phone, but I was in The Dark Place. Eventually, we both realized I needed company. I cried so hard for so long that the next day was a blur: puffy eyes barely willing to open, stiffened snot on most things, and the worst hangover-like headache. It wasn't a very productive day.

Since then, I have become afraid of crying.

I am slowly trying to break the pattern that crying is now something to fear. How did it get to this? I usually relish a good cry--so cathartic during and after. However, starting the night that I first realized that my physical injury was serious and that it had the potential to change my life--career ending--that was the night I started The Uncontrollable Crying. It took me by surprise. It takes me by surprise every time. It took me by surprise at the restaurant. It took My Partner by surprise. Yikes! Who the f*ck removed the warning system? Who pulled out the breaks?





Tuesday, July 9, 2013

IOWA

Hello out there to All of You!

I feel like I need to make up for lost time or say something amazing, but I'm truly just here to start posting again following my 1+ year dry spell...whoops! It turns out that Iowa, beautiful though it can be, at times, sucked me a little dry and sent me sprinting for The Big City aka Chi-Town (pronounced "Shy-town") aka Chicago, Illinois. This fine city is one of the largest cities in the US. You know how I know it's one of the largest cities in the US? I know that because I recently found out that only the largest cities in the US have more than one professional baseball or basketball team associated with them. Interesting, huh? You probably already knew that. Me being who I am, I know...now.

What happened in Iowa? Well, I moved my WHOLE LIFE there for a job and residency for physical therapy. It was very very busy and I felt that I was doing my best dealing with my new job and new boss and new coworkers and new patients and mounds of responsibilities. And then, after 10 months, it all came crashing down after I injured myself--outside of work, though likely due to the physical demands of work. Then there was a communication break down, and BAM: fired.

If you want to know the nitty gritty details, I can discuss them, but I'd prefer not to write about them. It has now been 6 weeks, and I'm finally able to find the words to talk about how I feel without my emotions falling out of my face--in tear form, of course.

I write now as a person who is a little different from the one who wrote before. I'm not claiming that this situation has made me older and wiser but it might. I think it has served to give me a dose of reality while also setting me up for a little character building. All the old tricks I had up my sleeve for dealing with "life" and "loss" and "stress" failed me in this new situation. To be perfectly honest, I was/am depressed. I thought my tear ducts would grow mold or something from the amount of water that seemed to constantly flow with any mention of "Keep Calm and Carry On" or "physical therapy" or "career." Before this event, I felt I could deal with anything. Afterwards, I found that my response to nearly every task was to shrink away and read my escapist novel or watch my addictive TV show or sleep. Any time I finally felt up to the task of discussing my situation, I lasted approximately 2.5 minutes before tears choked me up and stopped me in my tracks, voice cracking. And those tears didn't linger briefly.

I write now as if I have finally been able to turn my pillow over to the cleaner side, the cooler side. I'm sure this side will also succumb to tear permeation. I am--I think--wise enough to know that this situation will continue to have ups and downs, but it's nice to be able to smile again without wondering when the next smile will come.

I know I've been quiet on the blog front. I know I have shut several of you out of my life or kept this situation from you--not entirely on purpose, but simply because I didn't know how to interact. I have this problem where I am perpetually honest. I really don't know how to talk to someone without being honest, completely. Therefore, being as sad and angry as I have been has been hard to share. It's not really the kind of thing that people line up for, you know?

So, there you have it, the most recent update.

Where to from here? I'm so glad you asked, because I've been doing some pondering, and I've realized some things about myself.

1. I respect and like myself.
2. I self-destruct when I don't feel respected by others in my environment.
3. I need intellectual stimulation.
4. I need to create.
5. I love baking; it's a form of creation, after all!
6. I like to help people and to give.
7. I still love physical therapy.
8. I am very stubborn.
9. Sometimes I give too much.
10. I am definitely still learning about myself.

What do these things mean? Well, I'm trying to figure that out myself. I'm recruiting YOU to help me. Here are some things I'm considering doing with my time (and in an effort to meet my financial needs):

1. A baking internship/apprenticeship
2. Teaching English or teaching/coaching people prior to taking the US citizenship exam
3. Physical Therapy consulting via phone, email, and video
4. Physical Therapy in a hospital setting
5. Your brilliant idea here!

Ok, so, let me know your thoughts! It doesn't have to be a comment on this blog, email me! I'm just reaching out for some positive reinforcements here--or new ideas! The idea of the PT consulting business will likely happen--already happens, but I might start it into a business in order to actually be able to pay some bills. If you have specific comments or thoughts about how to go about doing so, I'm all ears.

You are the reason I am who I am. And, I'm guessing, I might be part of the reason you are who you are as well. Let's make this world go 'round!